I have had depression for a few years. Or actually, I have had 2 depressions. An existential depression where I have asked myself, –What’s the point of all this? What do I participate in? How do I contribute to this madness, to this world gone mad? And a work-life depression where I have asked myself, –Is this it?
What is my purpose? What to believe in? What do I stand for? Am I a part of the solution or am I part of the problem? How can I contribute to a better world? … (I’ll spare you the rest).
I don’t think I seemed depressed to most of you who met me during this period. But I think that a lot of you need to do what I had to do, re-define depression. We think we know what depression looks like and how it is supposed to act. Depression is a scale. I was on that scale, moving slowly but surely towards the top. The depression crept up on me. I denied it all the way until I fell over the edge or ”hit the wall” as we often say. No matter how hard I tried to find the answers to the questions above by educating myself, leaving my bubble, networking, reading books, articles, guidance, and coaching from friends and professionals, etc. Searching. Running. No answer was to be found. I told myself, –I used to be so happy in love with my work. I used to feel so inspired. I had a clear vision. I inspired others with my energy. Often, I was good, sometimes brilliant. Now I am the opposite of all that even though I am living my dream scenario. Having my own company, being my own boss, and a private life I always dreamed of. Me being so unhappy, –It does not make any sense. But the depression was very real and made me really sick, physically, and mentally. It culminated on February 11, 2019, when I was admitted to S: t Göran’s mental hospital after a manic and psychotic episode. When I came out of the hospital, 3 weeks later, my anxiety took on a new level of unimaginable pain. My only tool, to help me through my difficult times in life, my brain, was gone. I was in a bad shape after my psychosis and numb by all the pills. To all of you who are in a place of anxiety right now, with or without depression. What I realized, when I surrendered to the fact that I had no tools and no control over anything;
Anxiety only exists in your thoughts about the past and the future non of which you are in right now.
Meditation will help you. I’ve learned to meditate and become really good at it. It is a break that the brain and the mind need. This year has been all about getting better. And I had to revisit old strategies that I have used in the past. Let go. Slow down. Lean back. Be in the present. Appreciate what I have. Breath. Again, search for silence and solitude. Reflection. Phrases like ”Trust the process” (which I have used often) have acquired a new meaning. In my scenario, what it really means is to surrender and give yourself to the unknown. Easier said than done for most of us but if I can do it you can too! Suddenly I was able to reflect again and I made really valuable insights. I had answered YES to the question ”Is this it”. But that answer came from my mind and my intellect and not from my heart, so it is simply not true. In my case, that answer hindered my personal development and accelerated my depression. When I finally heard my heartbeat again, my heart replied,
– This, is NOT it! There is so much more. It’s time to level up!
Through hard work, I feel happy again, inspired, on a mission that feels true to me, energetic, in love with the world (no drugs included). I am in touch with my intuition again and feel confident that I will be a part of making this world a better place, somehow. There are different reasons for depression and we know that mental illness is increasing. I know a lot of people are asking themselves the same questions I did, especially in times like these. Here are some of the tools that I have used to get better:
Internet, social media, and my smartphone have been absolutely crucial to my recovery. All these tools will stay with me forever. Despite all this madness and the crises we are all currently in, I am happy again. I can’t help feeling excited. There will be a time-post-corona. If we start using these tools more consciously, Imagine what we can do then … I know that I will be a part of something great because now I participate through that of what my heart desires. My purpose at the moment is to tell everyone (who is interested) how I got myself better and how I used these tools. And I’m really happy and grateful for that. With this post, I want to (believe it or not) leave you with a STRONG SENSE OF HOPE!
If you are interested in how I got me out from depression and accelerated my personal growth using these tools, let me know
Someone out there needs my story, please share it if you liked it
If you want to help me on my mission, to increase awareness of these tools, feel free to contact me.
Lots of love to my husband. He has given me so much love, support, and patience. I have never known unconditional love like this before. Thanks to family and friends. Thanks to Camilla and Mathias at TRIB for support (and the picture) For now, I'll see you online. I can't wait to make this world a better place together with you.