I think I have identified three significant events that become some kind of turning point in my depression. This post is about those three events. This post builds on a previous post on the same topic which is my existential- and work-life depression and how to get out of it. You can read it here.
Significant event nr 1:
I was laying on the floor in our living room. Crying my eyes out. My husband was sitting next to me. I heard myself saying, - I have worked so hard! All my life I have worked so hard to get better. I have given it my all. I have nothing more to give …
My husband was sitting there. Not hugging me. Not fleeing by caressing or kiss me. Not saying stuff he didn’t believe in just to get out of the scene. He was just sitting there together with me. Seeing me at my worst, I have never felt so undesirable in my whole life. But he was there with me in my anxiety making me feel less alone. Then he simply said,
"It will pay of. Hard work always does. One day. One way or the other, It will pay of"
My husband is smart. Wise. Grounded. I could tell he didn’t lie. He believed in what he just said. So I just decided to lean on him and those words and trust the process … surrender … trust the process … surrender … trust the process … Eventually, I could make my self get up from the floor, take a shower. We picked up the kids from kindergarten and we had some kind of family dinner. Thank you, Viktor for ALL the love.
Significant event nr 2:
One day, I was having lunch with one of my friends. She asked me how I was doing and I said,
–I have realized something ...
She said, –What?
I said, –You know how people always say there is a meaning to all the shit that happens …
She said, –Ya.
I said, with a slightly aggregated tone, –Well, I have realized there is no fucking meaning to any of this shit unless you choose to make it so …
She is a calm and collective character who is used to my emotional expressions high and low. I don’t think she said much about that statement. She just received as she often does with full presence. Never openly judging.
Anger at its best. We are so afraid of that emotion yet it has helped me to stand up for myself so many times. Anger (or ego) when used correctly is there to protect boundaries, integrity, dignity. It has helped me leave, move forward, let go, inspired me to grow. Sometimes the best thing you can do in a situation is to let that emotion play out and say, or scream ...
–Enough with this bullshit!
You know the power of saying stuff out loud, something happens when you hear your thoughts. It's freaking powerful. What happened to me was that I had to make a choice. And questions started to pop up in my head.
If that's true. If it's up to me! Will I choose to make something of this shit or not? What is this … really, what is this? Have I been here before? And if so, how did I get out of it?
You can read about significant even nr 3 here.