I was sitting at the table in our apartment in Stockholm. I was watching my husband playing with our two daughters on the floor. I felt numb. I felt a bit like an outsider, looking at this beautiful family. And suddenly it dawned on me; Here I was sitting, in our penthouse, in the middle of Stockholm. With a loving husband and two wonderful kids … come to think of it, it is actually my dream scenario. I must have done something right!
It was a bit like waking up to realize; I have all this … I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT! So I stopped waiting for that ”meaning” to fall down from the sky and I started to challenge my brain. Again.
Will I make something of this?, - I must try, what else is there? What is this?, - It's a depression that goes beyond my current diagnose.
My, diagnosis, at the time, was postpartum depression with acute sleep deprivation and fatigue syndrome. Shore, a pregnancy takes its toll on many of us. Giving birth too. And Ida didn’t sleep much. But now I know that was my fault. I kept her up with my anxiety. She didn’t get me sick. She was longed for, planned, loved always. My depression started long before she came.
In order for us to become better, we have to be 100% honest about the core of the problem and called it by its real name. For me, that was –An existential and work-life depression– that's been going on for a few years… BAAM! It's a weird feeling when an insight like that lands like a rock in your stomach.
And this conversation kept going in my head ...
Have you been here before?, - Yes How did you get out of it? - hm …don’t know …
And then … It was as if the room changed its dimensioned slightly as if I zoomed out a little bit. And "the voice," said
Sofia - You have lived a great life. You have been alive. You have taken such responsibility for your personal growth and your well being. Look at everything you got. You did a lot of things right. You have the competence and the capacity to get yourself out of this mess. Stop, with this self-loathing attitude, and keep on doing ”The work”. Find your competence and confidence. Go back into your future!
I actually turned around slowly just to make sure that there wasn't anybody standing behind me. It was that loud and clear.
And then … BOOM! I wrote done all the things that have kept me going up until that day and all the way back to when I was five years old. What kind of mentality, attitude, perceptions had taken me this far! What is my life long competence, my strength, my true credentials really about?
I don’t know if you have experienced a hyper manic or a manic state. The easiest way to describe it is that you feel like a bag with pieces to your life-puzzle (or whatever problem you are trying to solve) hits you in the head and you get like 100 of them at once. 100 insights in two minutes. It's intense and the best thing I have ever experienced. So when it happens (every now and then) I take notes on my phone.
I give them to you straight from my notebook. I hope they will inspire you! Build your confidence and make you realize (if you haven't already) that you have so much life long competence inside of you!
Read about my life long competence, my strength, my true credentials here.