The opening revelation, the one that started this wave of insights, was this one:
I didn't listen to grownups, teachers, or doctors that didn't listen to me.
When their recommendations didn't resonate with me. And when I realized that their recommendations were built upon their prejudice about me, and their assumptions about my intention. I knew that their recommendations were crap.
This realization was introduced to me as a five-year-old and it has served me well throughout life. The epithet "problem with authority" is heavily misused. I don't have a problem with authority, I have a problem with grown-ups, teachers, and doctors making bad recommendations based on their level of ignorance.
And so the insights kept coming ...
I could never discover a great leader by just looking and listening. I had to use ALL my senses
I have always searched for authenticity, openness, and honesty and I trusted my gut feeling
When I stopped believing in a leader I left, if not physically then mentally. That person was no longer eligible to influence my thoughts
I gave up thinking in terms of right and wrong
When I started thinking about cause and effect my horizon expanded massively. I become kinder towards myself and others
I never believed in one superhuman or one super talent
I always believed there was talent in me (and I'm just an ordinary person)
When someone inspired me with their talent I was not so interested in WHY they did what they did. I asked myself HOW they did it
I learned how to let go of people and constellations that made me feel bad about myself
When people left me and groups excluded me I handled it well. I cried. I tried to understand why, and I changed some of the stuff I thought was not so nice about myself
I dare to dream big
I believe that I’m 100% responsible for my actions, and you are 100% responsible for yours and that belief gave me such a relief
I tried to say I’m sorry
I confronted my pain
I stood up for myself
I understood that drugs, prescription by a doctor or not, was a shortcut and they would slow me down, make me fall behind
I always talked to myself, out loud, in front of the mirror
I slept around and never felt like a slut
I have made a lot of mistakes. I have forgiven myself for it, by learning from it
I have asked for forgiveness for some of the mistakes I made
I learned that everybody makes mistakes so I never put anyone on a pedestal
People who want to be on that pedestal is often felt offended by me
I understood that some people thought I wanted to be placed on a pedestal and punished me for their assumptions about my intention which was really their projection
I have always spend a lot of money on music with an open mind and a very broad taste
I learned that life is not about living, it's about being alive, and being alive means evolving through awareness that often involves a great deal of pain
As I become more "competent" I changed my perception of what competence is
I have been able to change old assumptions and perceptions of the world many times
I am making my fear- and learning zone into my new zone of comfort
I always took movies really seriously and learned a lot about life
I took a lot, very seriously and personal until I could tell the difference between your shit and my shit
I had a hard time getting things done that didn't make sense to me
I have always asked a lot of questions
I cherish my ability to use my senses and feel all my emotions
When I looked at this list I realized that I haven't lived like this for a few years. I had abounded the most important thing, my mindset, attitude, values, beliefs. I had been so closed off. Of cause I had made some bad decisions when I was closed off and couldn't hear my institution or feel my gut feeling.
I started to feel competent again. This is about a year ago, in Aug 2019. And do you know what,
– Life is full of paradoxes, like this one;
Its when you no longer believe that a ”meaning of this shit” will fall down from the sky, and you decide to make meaning of it … that's when you will eventually realize that there is a meaning with all the shit that has ever happened, and not only to you, but in the entire history of mankind. That is the first step towards forgiveness, bliss, gratefulness, happiness and true compassion.
Searching for my inner competence, I had to go back to the age of five. That little child was so wise. The more I grow as a person, the more childlike I become, and it all makes sense to me now.