The opening revelation, the one that started this wave on insights was this one:
I didn't listen to grownups, teachers, or doctors that didn't listen to me.
What comes first in terms of "problem with authority". When their recommendations didn't resonate with me and I realized that their recommendations were built upon their assumptions and prejudiced about me and their assumptions about my intention. I knew that their recommendations were crap. This realization was introduced to me as a five-year-old and it has served me well throughout life. The epithet "problem with authority" is heavily misused. I don't have a problem with authority, I have a problem with grown-ups, teachers, and doctors making bad recommendations based on their level of ignorance.
And so the insights kept coming ...
I could never discover a great leader by just watching and hearing. I had to use ALL my senses
I have always searched for authenticity, openness, and honesty and I trusted my gut feeling
When I stopped believing in a leader I left, if not physically then mentally. That person was no longer eligible to influence my thoughts
I gave up thinking in terms of right and wrong
When I started thinking about cause and effect my horizon expanded massively. I become kinder towards myself and others
I never believed in one superhuman or one super talent because I always believed there was talent in me and I'm just an ordinary person
When someone inspired me with their talent I was not so interested in WHY they did what they did. I asked myself HOW they did it. How could they be so sure, so determined, so true to themselves that no external acknowledgment could ever live up to whatever was driving them from within …. I WANTED THAT!
I learned how to let go of people and constellations that made me feel uncomfortable
When people left me and groups excluded me I handled it well. I cried. I tried to understand why and I changed some of the stuff I thought was not so nice about myself
I dared to dream big
I believed that I’m 100% responsible for my actions, and you are 100% responsible for yours and that believe gave me such a relief
I tried to say I’m sorry
I confronted my pain
I stood up for myself
I understood that drugs (including most prescription drugs) was a short cut and they would slow me down, make me fall behind
I always talked to my self, out loud, in front of the mirror
I slept around and never felt like a slut (this is more important in this context than you might think)
I have made a lot of mistakes. I have forgiven myself for it, by learning from it
I have asked for forgiveness for some of the mistakes I made and I acknowledged the relief both of us felt and how the energy shifted in a positive way
I learned that everybody makes mistakes so I never put anyone on a pedestal
People who want to be on that pedestal is often felt offended by me
I understood that some people thought I wanted to be placed on a pedestal and punished me for their assumptions about my intention which was really their projection.
I have always spend a lot of money on music. Some heroes have stayed with me for almost 30 years and I have had an open mind and a very broad taste that has served me well
I learned that life is not about living, it's about being alive, and being alive means evolving through awareness that often involves a great deal of pain
As I become more "competent" I changed my perception of what competence is
I have been able to change old assumptions and perceptions of the world many times
I have always asked a lot of questions
When I looked at this list I realized that I haven't lived like this for a few years. I had abounded the most important thing, my mindset. My attitude. My feelings. I had been so closed of. Of cause I had made some bad decisions when I was closed off and couldn't hear my institution or feel my gut feeling.
I started to feel competent again. This is about a year ago (Aug 2019). And do you know what, – Life is full of paradoxes, like this one;
Its when you no longer believe that a ”meaning of this shit” will fall down from the sky and you decide to make meaning of it … that's when you will eventually realize that there is a meaning with all the shit that has ever happened, and not only to you but in the entire history of mankind. That is the first step towards forgiveness, bliss, gratefulness, happiness and true compassion.
Searching for my inner competence I hade to go back to the age of five. That little child was so wise. The more I grow as a person the more childlike I become (childlike is not the same as childish) and It all makes sense to me now.