How to say goodbye to a long gone friend.
... Leaving at peace for all that was, and for all that is.
Reflecting on relationships has given me more self-awareness and more awareness overall trough out life. A lot of relationships needs to end, and still it's hard for us to do so and to do it with a clean cut.
Some people are really hard to let go of even though they have left you years ago ...
This is how I manifest self-love, self-care, and self-responsibility. It can be and uncomfortable (even painful) for the people involved, but it needs to be done in order for me to heal and establish my boundaries, integrity, and dignity again. This is how I finally let you go without anger and resentment.
This is how you leave a person that once meant the world to you:
You were so important to me. Without you, and the safety from your home growing up, I honestly don’t know what I would have become. However, it is such a long time ago. I have not been feeling comfortable and safe in your presence for many years now.
I feel that I have been hanging on to you like an old ex. It is really in my pattern. Having a really hard time letting go of people that once mad me feel safe. Even though I feel so uncomfortable in your presence these days. I hold on to that memory, forcing both of us to maintain what was once there. Even though we both know, it's gone.
I am so sorry. I bet I made you feel so uncomfortable too. I am so sorry.
It saddens me, that I have so actively participated to ruin the beautiful memories of our friendship by holding on and refusing to move on as you have. Like you wanted. Like you needed.
I am so sorry that I have blamed you and shamed you for doing so. I was so ignorant and self-absorbed. Driven by my big ego. Feeling offended, abounded, rejected, and left behind. Taking, you leaving me, personally. When really, you just found new friends more suitable and better for you, which you should, –everybody should.
I have become really good at dealing with rejections. But I have been really bad at dealing with abandonment. Therefore, I don't give away my heart often, but when I do, it is yours.
I can become borderless, lose my dignity, and integrity for the sake of belonging to us.
You represented everything that I didn’t have. Everything I thought I wanted ...
The smooth, comfortable, easy and simply life with lots of 'fun' where the biggest worries is how to find time for that next trip and what destination to choose.
I hold on to you, despite the fact that you, so often, have treated me pretty bad these past 10 years. Ghosting me, excluding me, not showing up, last-minute cancellations. Not confronting me, not giving me the chance to change and grow for us, for me. Not investing in us or me, or even yourself maybe.
Which is your birthright.
I just wish that I would have understood, that if you care about someone, you don’t behave in a way that would risk losing that person, at least not more than once.
You should have stood up for yourself in a way that was less deceiving. You could have told me that it was a lost call as I was trying to perform and impress you. I think I deserved that.
Come to think of it, that is in your pattern , to pretend the door is open out of fear for confrontation.
I have really humiliated myself in the process of trying to be that better and more suitable friend for you. I completely failed, and lost myself in the process. Now, I have forgiven myself for that.
What is better and suitable for you was never me. And it is not my definition of better and suitable either. I am very much the opposite.
The values that you cherish are not my values. Therefore, the validation that we seek will never be found in one and another.
Your believes are not my believes. Your values are not my values. So my behavior will never make sense to you. We will never appreciate what we have to offer one and another. I get that now. And we both have lots to offer, let's stop wasting it on each other.
Today I am so grateful for these insights, and for all the things you did and didn't do. You DID help me grow, but the credit is not yours ... –It is ALL mine.
My ability to process pain that comes from rejection and abandonment have grown, made me strong and resilient. Helping me find my boundaries, integrity, and dignity again. It helped me find who I have become. Thank you for passively participating in my growth period and this massive transformation. After all, to me that is what friends are for! Ironic, isn't it?
I no longer believe that success is to create a smooth, comfortable, easy and simple way of living, – that's not me. Living is one thing, being ALIVE is something completely different.
We had some fun. But I have realized ...
Having fun is not the same thing as being happy. If I am not happy, I will eventually stop having fun even in the most perfect setting.
I am emotions, drama, confrontation, unpredictability, crazy, love, inspired action and growth untamed. I am full of myself, and a lot to handle, –I am finally fine with all of that.
However, I don't blame anyone for choosing NOT to choose that, and to walk away from all the drama.
I am happy again. I am alive, partly thanks to you. Leaving you is the most self-loving thing that I have done in years. Without you and us, there would be no lessons like this, and no manifestation of this act of self-love. How can I not still love you for that? A life paradox.
From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for everything. A part of me will always care for you and I truly wish you all the best. I hope that you will thrive in what every you choose to do with all that you got ...
... but you will not be invited to my party.