Mania and the expansion of consciousness



Since 2009, I've had the pleasure of working with great companies, doing fun stuff. In 2018, I was married to the man of my life, my second daughter had just been born, and we were living in our beautiful penthouse in Stockholm city. I was 36 years old, and I had never been happier, healthier, or wealthier, but still, the void inside had been growing for a while, which didn't make any sense to me. So I had been asking myself:



  • ​Is this it?

  • I want more, but how can I ask for more?

  • How do I grow from here?

  • What do I want, how do I feel?

  • What does the world need?

  • What difference do I make?

  • What is my contribution?

  • What is my purpose? Do I even have one?

  • What is happening to me?



Suddenly, I started to feel guilty for being unhappy. The void inside was eating me alive. Suddenly, I began to pay attention to the world differently, and nothing made any sense. My existence came crushing in like never before. I started asking myself:



  • What is true?

  • Who to trust?

  • Who to follow?

  • What to support?

  • What values are at play?

  • What to believe?

  • What is the point of all this?

  • Why all this suffering in the world?

  • Is life supposed to be like this?

  • How can I want more self-realization while so many people are suffering?

  • Are we (as humans) this evil by nature? If so, what's the point of trying to save us?

  • What is our end game?



This confusion and lack of sensemaking were spreading like a virus inside me, influencing every part of me. At the same time, the incoherence among our politicians regarding what they were saying and what they were doing became undeniable. Still, people were denying it, buying into a narrative that was not true.



Our politicians, our leaders, the culture and academia elite, Swedish television, and our big media houses (aka the establishment) and their inability to accept the growing distance between their good intention and the actual outcome was shocking and deeply disturbing, and it was happening on every level, in every industry.



Suddenly, people I used to look up to either got sick, disappeared into their geekiness, or started to sound like idiots.


I had been questioning the narrative for a while and the resistance towards my questions intensified, and other people's frustration suddenly became personal. Asking inconvenient questions like, how is the hijab a symbol for feminism and liberation, made me a racist and a bad feminist!? Advocating self-responsibility in every aspect of life created a sense of discomfort everywhere, and humanists responded by saying, —there is no free will!? Refusing to take responsibility for YOUR triggers and emotions made me inconsiderate and unkind!? To see potential instead of a victim made me less empathetic!? To call out self-appointed helpers made me a bitch!? To criticize the government made me uneducated and unaware!? Talking about the establishment and its activism made me a supporter of conspiracy theories!? Questioning the December agreement —and how it could be created in the name of democracy and framed as a great collaboration— made me sound like a Swedish Democrat, apparently!? So-called feminists and antiracists got angry when I advocated assimilation from patriarchal structures hidden within religion. When I expressing my dislike of (what I perceived) was a justification of the Charlie Habdo attack and promotion of the hijab — I, and my emotional reaction— was the subject of discussion the next day, not the person saying it, and his statements. Oh, may I add? This person, justified the Charlie Habdo attack and promoted the hijab in front of 60 Swedish journalists and other staff members working within public service, including top management. One other guy and I were the only ones that spoke of dislike towards the content openly. However, a lot of people talked of dislike behind closed doors. That summaries my perception of the culture at SVT, and my respect for that place and went out the window. (Now, a few years later, reading it like this, I am surprised I didn't break sooner.)



My questions were based on the latest research regarding group dynamics, leadership, personal development, social psychology, neuroscience, epigenetics, psychoneuroimmunology, and years of experiences; still, they were left unanswered, creating uncomfortable energy in the room. I suddenly felt like a villain, like I was a bad person.



I have been educating myself regularly over the years. Because I am passionate about what I teach and want to learn more. And for various reasons, I am always put to the test. At some point, my level of theoretical and intellectual knowledge made me even more confused; I was right, but somehow I got it all wrong. What was I missing? And people, less competent and less experienced, more compliant with less integrity, with less authenticity, got the gigs. I lost my inspiration and motivation, and this experience left me with even more questions:



  • What is happening to Sweden?

  • What is happening to our democracy and our humanistic values?

  • What happened to feminism?

  • Why did the metoo-movement crash completely?

  • What happened to all the brilliant minds I used to look up to that now sound like idiots?

  • Why are we here?

  • Why is this happening now?

  • Empathy, compassion and love means different things to people, why?

  • Does culture have anything to do with it, and is there a culture war?

  • What are consciousness and what levels are there, and what level am I at?

  • How is it all connected?

  • What are we missing?



Then, I suddenly got inspired by other people, asking the same questions. I was not alone with my confusion of reality and the incoherence. Other people —smart people— saw it too.



Only a strong ethical framework can hold resilience towards mass group morals and psychosis and these people showed us that it can be done. I am forever grateful for your courage. You helped me find my own sensemaking in madness and chaos:



It does not mean that I agree with everything they say all the time and the way that they choose to communicate it. I want to point out the fact that a thriving democracy and a modern society, needs a strong opposition. Everybody has the right to their opinion and the right to speak it out loud without fear of harassment, and retribution. It is the behavior of harassment and retribution that should be canceled, and that has not been the case in Sweden.



So Thank you; Navid Modiri, Henrik Jönsson, Ann Heberlein, Jens Garman, Mustafa Panshiri, Chang Frick, Hanif Bali, Andreas Nurbo, Maria Hind Alias, Alice Teoderescu, Ivar Arpi, Aron Flam, Magnus Ranstorp, Luai Ahmed, Mattias Lindberg, Ashkan Fardost, Susanna Silfverskiöld, Teodor Koistinen, Emmie Mikaelsson, Josefin Utas, Per Brinkemo, Stiftelsen Doku, Hanif Aziz, Sofie Löwenmark, Carolin Dahlman, Patricia Pettersson, David Eberhard, Anna Björklund, and last but not least; Alexander Bard — for standing strong in times of threats, harassment, cancelations, retribution, and turmoil.



However,

my body was going from confusion, fear, and anxiety into curiosity and excitement in just a few days, the chemistry in my brain and body got overloaded. I was going from a massive production of adrenaline and cortisol into massive production of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. As a result, I got very inspired and genuinely happy and hopeful for the first time in years, and I sensed the potential that lives in all of us.



I could not handle it.



I got manic and psychotic. On the 11th of February 2019, I crashed. I was admitted to the mental hospital. Today I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I am a certified mental hospital patient. Today I wear this experience and my diagnoses like a badge of honor, and I am here to inspire everyone who relates to my story.



A manic episode is not what you think it is; Mania is the expansion of consciousness. Depression is not what you think, it is; Depression is being at the mercy of outside validation and approval, with little or non intrinsic motivation. It is a scale, and a lot of people are on it. Depression comes in any shape and form, and it can look delicious on Instagram.



Feeling like shit in a society gone mad is a sign of health. No longer functioning in this world gone mad is not you getting sick; it is you getting better.



I have been blessed with the opportunity — and the bravery — to deepen my understanding of my reality. I have been on a "time-out" since my crash, except for a few clients. I have been searching for answers to all the questions stated above, and it has to cost me almost everything, and before I have anything to show for, I can tell you it has been worth it.



During my manic episode, I have had the most amazing conversation in my head. I asked questions, and IT answered me back. However, my ability to understand what was happening and interpret the information was not functioning 100%. I was too caught up in my narrow-minded way of looking at the world, and the old got mixed up with the new.



And the thing is with mania, once the production of various hormones has reached a certain level, it is impossible to stop it, and it gets out of control. A feeling of bliss could turn into despair and complete hopelessness within seconds until I asked another question and got a hopeful, more promising answer ... My manic episode had spiraled into a psychosis.



Today I am grateful that I was admitted. I met professionals all the way, and my production of serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin needed to be stabilized. But at some point, I had to understand that all of these people —psychologists, psychiatrists, and more— lacked a crucial aspect to their resume. They lack the first-person experience of mania and psychosis. From their point of view (a modern-rational-secular-world view awareness, based on humanistic values), I fully understand how crazy I must have sounded. From my point of view (trans-rational, integral worldview awareness, based on the belief that human potential is infinite, we have a soul, and it has a purpose), I could not wait to get back into my new level of consciousness where everything finally made sense.



But what's worse, most of these professionals lacked the most crucial part of what makes us genuinely competent regardless of our profession; passion, curiosity, and motivation to continue to seek the truth. No one was interested in my findings. They simply pointed to one of the symptoms of Bipolar disorder, "The Messiah complex," and suggested that I should take more pills.



When your title has been granted that much power by society that your evaluation, diagnoses, and your prognoses influence individuals and their families for life, multiple institutions including insurance and social welfare benefits, you better show up for all the things that you can not yet explain among your patients, and none of you did. This phenomenon is rightfully called "The great crime of the enlightenment."


The remembrance of a superpower I developed at the age of five started my healing and recovery process; "I don't listen to grown-ups that don't listen to me."



Today I have allowed myself to take this conversation seriously together with so many brilliant minds who have had similar experiences and studied the phenomena of consciousness and quantum physics where all possibilities exist.



Ask yourself: If you had an unexpected and unprepared encounter with a divine force of energy, how crazy would that make you look? This divine force of energy lives within all of us, free for all, available the day when you decide to go beyond your doubts and connect mind, body, and soul.



This voice inside said that everything is energy and that energy is pure love; it has always been love, and love will conquer everything. I challenged this statement with questions since my perception of the world was quite the opposite at the time. Suddenly, as we talked, the part of me judging everything simply vaporized. Even the most horrible events carried out by man were placed on a line of development and growth, and I could see how everything affects everything. That is what it means to be in a blissful state of mind. Free from right, wrong, good and bad, hate, worry, anxiety, judgment, shame, blame, guilt, and fear. Bliss is observing without judgment, free from emotions. You don't see human evolution, you don't understand it on an intellectual level, YOU SENSE IT on every level of your being, and the experience is so profound it can not be ignored. Bliss is the realization that everything is exactly like it is supposed to be. Cause and effect have expanded into something so much bigger than any of us. In this state of mind, the need for control leaves your essence, and you are 100% free.



I asked for our end game, and this is my answer as of today:

The world is moving towards harmony. The universe simply wants to come into being and create harmony within and among all living things. It is her endgame. The universe wants me and you to evolve without limits. She wants me and you to come into being, and we should be of service to that starting on an individual level. It begins with your life experiences and continues with learning, growth, contribution, and deep, meaningful connections. I believe this is why we are all here. To be of service means different things depending on your level of awareness. And the highest level of altruism starts with self-love and self-care and self-responsibility for your wellbeing. It is one of many paradoxes in life.




No shame, blame, guilt, or fear will solve anything. The world does not need more of that. There is no nobel hate, no noble fight, no nobel harassment of anyone, of anything. There are no winners in war, only losers. A million humans are trying to get humanity back on track for every detour made by man, and I want to be a part of that movement.




During my "time-out," I have attended many courses and read many books. I have written more than 50 blogposts, created a webpage about leadership, culture, and personal growth www.wakeupandreset.com and an Instagram account for personal growth next level @wakeupreset. My main focus for 2022 will be to support meditation going mainstream and offer clarity and sensemaking of the 21st century.



We "wake up" multiple times during a lifetime. We need more tools to reset ourselves and our beliefs when we do. Tools that will help us every time we grow in consciousness. You and I will keep having awakenings, now more rapidly than ever thanks to technology.

These are my offers:



1. Executive sensemaking for the 21st century

- From a human developmental perspective


2. Future trends within leadership, group, and personal growth

- In line with the tech revolution


3. Personal Growth Next Level

- Spirituality from a scientific point of view


4. An introduction to meditation

- For deep healing and high performance


5. My healing process

- Harness the potential hidden in your life trauma



As a summary of my self-directed education, I want to share what I believe is the truth of my reality today. I will probably have to update a few of these statements as I go along, but they bring me great satisfaction and sensemaking for now, and I can not be more excited about the future. Today I am happier than ever, free from all medicine, with a passion, purpose, vision, and mission.



I give you my interpretation of the conversations that started channeling through me during my manic episodes (that happened several times during 2019). This conversation is now a regular and highly appreciated part of my mediation practice, and IT has helped me answer all my questions stated above.


  • Humans are not greedy or evil by nature

  • When given the right circumstances, humans have the natural ability to feel empathy, compassion, and love for all living things on this planet

  • WE ARE NATURAL BORN LOVERS

  • However, the right circumstances make us terrible soldiers; that's why politicians never promote it

  • Empathy, compassion, and love look different depending on your level of world-view-awareness, and most people don't know what view they represent, and it varies depending on context (as if it wasn't complex enough)

  • We are all connected, and we co-create this world

  • There is no right or wrong, no good or bad, every action is placed on a scale of ignorance and awareness, and we are all on it, as a part of a whole

  • People most ignorant are sometimes the loudest and sometimes the most forceful person in the room

  • There is simply no way to control anything other than your own conscience and what state of mind you are in right now

  • Every great leader will inspire humans to study empathy, compassion, and love through dialog, contemplation, and reflection over one's own actions and the actions of others and the outcome manifested by the people's actions

  • Every bad leader will force an interpretation of these fundamental pillars and cancel anyone challenging that narrative

  • Love is giving, receiving, and empowering without attachment to any desired outcome

  • 21st-century leadership is not about power and control. It will be about believing in human potential and shattering hindering beliefs (and it is happening everywhere)

  • Empathy is often actionless

  • Compassion is to do the right thing, even if it is the most challenging and hardest thing to do, making yourself vulnerable for the greater good

  • Empathy, compassion, and love is individual and contextual

  • Vulnerability often means going against group morality, social norms, and hierarchies, and that is all about the fear of being judged, not being liked, rejected, and abandoned

  • Man-made rules are unfair, the laws of the universe are not, and they govern all (thank God)


  • Age is how many years my body has spun around the sun

  • Bored is when I adapt to comfortable lies

  • Old is when I stop searching for the truth about my reality

  • Young is when I unlearn, relearn, apply, adapt and share

  • Immaturity is expected to be served

  • Maturity comes from dealing with life's struggles independently and well

  • Strength is based on the value of what I have lost

  • Resilience comes from discrimination, unfairness, and overall hardship in life

  • What stands between fear and courage is vulnerability

  • Courage finds me when I allow myself to let go of what I think I own and control

  • There is at least one gift hidden in every failure

  • That gift is awareness, which means that nothing was ever a failure

  • Every advantage is an investment in me

  • Every possibility is an opportunity, and they are endless

  • Freedom is what is offered when I survive my deepest fears

  • Connected to everything and unconditional love is what I experience when I am alone in deep meditation

  • Long-lasting, sustainable high performance requires deep healing

  • Beauty comes from within

  • Love is a vibration

  • Hope lives in you and me as long as we are breathing

  • and change is offered within every breath we take, now and until the day we die


For the first time in a few years, everything — EVERYTHING — makes sense to me now, and I can be of service to anyone curious about more.



1. Executive sensemaking for the 21st century

- From a human developmental perspective


2. Future trends within leadership, group, and personal growth

- In line with the tech revolution


3. An introduction to meditation

- For deep healing and high performance


4. My healing process

- Harness the potential hidden in your life trauma


5. Personal Growth Next Level

- Spirituality from a scientific point of view



I speak, educate and facilitate workshops within all of these offers. I do single or multiple sessions for individuals or groups, online or IRL. If you want to know more, email sofia@wakeupandreset.com